I haven't been on in a while...

Life has been crazy. I am finally regestered for classes starting at the end of august- so thats good that i am starting to move forward with my life. My bf is out of town again- and i realized that i might not really want recovery... every time he leaves, i stop eating. i dont want to lose him... but... im not ready to get better. im not ready to gain weight. im not ready to stop restricting and fasting and losing weight... it isnt fair to him that this recovery is so dependent on him- but he is my only constant motivation. im sick. im mind, body, and spirit... i dont understand why he puts up with me. :/