Im fucking fat.

Im so sorry ... but no dinner. Ive got goldfish and water to keep me alive tonight at work- but the mere thought of taking in over 600 calories on purpose in one day: makes me want to purge until my body gives out on the floor. I cant do this. Im such a failure. I wish i were dead. I would rather be dead than get fat. I cant... i just cant... :'( please forgive me. </3

Yesterday

Yesterday i had over 1500 calories. Ana is furious with me. The scale will show what a fucking fat ass i have become. I always do this! I get my weight to a low point, and then i eat like a fucking cow. I cant even look at my reflection without tears swelling from my eyes and spilling over so they can run down every inch of blubber on my body. I will never be perfect if i eat like a big fat whore. I punished myself- cutting up my forearm, and letting my blood drip onto my Thinspo collage. Never every time i see it, i will be reminded what the alternative to perfection is.

Stupid.

Im a stupid, fat, attention whore, and no one will ever love me. Im broken. No one can fix me. Im bent on self destruction and i won't stop until I'm dead. The hardest ones to love are the ones who need it most- but they are also the ones who will hurt you more than anyone else. I want to die. Who would ever love someone who cant even look in a mirror without having urges to purge. Im so fucking stupid. I should just give up trying. No one deserves to be in a relationship with such a destructive, emotional tornado. I can't be a positive addiction to anyones life- EVER. Im just a soul sucker... Who wants to be my next victim?

mirror, mirror

This poem means so much to me. its speaks of all my deepest insecurities and hopes. if i were perfect, i would be happy. i would be loved. i would be understood. i would be ENOUGH. its all ive ever wanted... i just want to be enough. enough for you, enough for my family, enough for the colleges, enough for my future. 

but im not. i never will be. im worthless. 

That rude stalker in my head