Im so sorry ... but no dinner. Ive got goldfish and water to keep me alive tonight at work- but the mere thought of taking in over 600 calories on purpose in one day: makes me want to purge until my body gives out on the floor. I cant do this. Im such a failure. I wish i were dead. I would rather be dead than get fat. I cant... i just cant... :'( please forgive me. </3
I've given up all diet aids and laxatives /diuretics. Im so scared im going to get so fucking fat... :'(
Yesterday i had over 1500 calories. Ana is furious with me. The scale will show what a fucking fat ass i have become. I always do this! I get my weight to a low point, and then i eat like a fucking cow. I cant even look at my reflection without tears swelling from my eyes and spilling over so they can run down every inch of blubber on my body. I will never be perfect if i eat like a big fat whore. I punished myself- cutting up my forearm, and letting my blood drip onto my Thinspo collage. Never every time i see it, i will be reminded what the alternative to perfection is.
Rules:
Don't mention calories in food
Don't talk about your weight
Don't put up a fit about eating something with the family
Don't count calories in front of others
Never purge at home
Don't brag about weight-loss
Try to eat something in front of family or friends
Don't workout at home (unless everyone else is gone/sleeping)
Avoid going out to eat at all costs
Don't make thinspo at home
When faced with a large calorie meal, simple drink as much water as possible
Reality is cold
Life is unfair
Love is conditional
Trust gets broken
Friends disappear
Hopes are crushed
Dreams will fade
Wishes are lost
Gifts are returned
Acceptance is refuted
Direction can morph
Secrets get told
Freedom is taken
Growth can stall
Safety is an illusion
Warmth will diminish
Heroes can lie
Energy gets spent
Joy shall elude us
Saviors are pretend
Security won't last
Calm comes from chaos
Purpose will change
Value is diminished
Sometimes, you are the most annoying, self righteous, bitch I know. You don't know how I feel, you don't know how I cope, you don't know how I should live my life- so please -- butt the fuck out and let me be an individual!
I swear if bad dreams keep me up again tonight, im going to fucking cry.
Im so tired. This is not okay.
Im too much for anyone to handle. Im a failure, a loser, a bitch, insane, emotional, stupid, hard headed, and useless.
I wish i was hit by a car...
Im a stupid, fat, attention whore, and no one will ever love me. Im broken. No one can fix me. Im bent on self destruction and i won't stop until I'm dead. The hardest ones to love are the ones who need it most- but they are also the ones who will hurt you more than anyone else. I want to die. Who would ever love someone who cant even look in a mirror without having urges to purge. Im so fucking stupid. I should just give up trying. No one deserves to be in a relationship with such a destructive, emotional tornado. I can't be a positive addiction to anyones life- EVER. Im just a soul sucker... Who wants to be my next victim?
Its my own fault- i shouldnt have looked at his personal blog... i even told him i wouldn't. But i did... and on it he said "no one cares about your bad dreams"... if only he knew what it was like to have night terrors where you wake up drenched in sweat and heart racing. Fearing sleep because you know the demons in your head run free when you're sleeping.
...if only he knew, in my dream last night- he told me to go kill myself because Kari became hot enough to fuck now.
No one cares... i know... i should go away so no one needs to feel obligated to care...
